God is my backbone, not my crutch!

After numerous trials and tribulations, I stand firm on his rock to affirm that God is my backbone, not my crutch!

After numerous trials and tribulations, I stand firm on his rock to affirm that God is my backbone, not my crutch! For decades, I questioned my faith, I have sinned, and every little pebble along the way keeps leading me back to God. All my failures, my inattention to his clearly open doors, and ability to numb the pain with numerous addictions; it was all that I knew. My first memory of trauma started in third grade and surrounded my father’s third mental breakdown. My mother, my brother, and I, went to visit him on Easter at the psych ward. The experiences of what we saw in this facility was heart-opening. The first moment of suffering was

when my father looked at my mom and asked, “Mary, who are these people?” My mother quickly reacted, “Harry-o, these are your beautiful children”. There stood my brother and I. We sucked it up, ran to him, and said, “Daddy, we are your children, and we love you”! That is when my brother and I began to cling to each other for dear life! We were the only ones, in our inner circle, at our age, experiencing mental illness at its core. My rock of a family and friends stood firm. Our cousins’ grandparents would whisk us away to find joy with our cousins. And for this I am forever grateful.

My father went on living through 11 more hospitalizations finally

residing in a nursing home.

What I know for sure is that if my father never suffered from mental illness, I may have never found my path to God in the way that I have. You can call it a silver lining, one of life’s little lessons, or a blessing; all remains true depending on your heart and your experiences. You must grow from the pain, to finally heal. I do not use God as a crutch when I feel broken. I respect that he is and forever will be my backbone. The structure of my being, my faith, my heart, that always gracefully

tries to keep me upright, strong, steady, and ready to seek Joy. See it is not the pain that kept me within that trauma. It was God’s lessons on empathy, grace, compassion, and faith, that initiated my ability to heal and grow from that pain. God already knew that I needed him in the ways that my father could not be there for us. God is more than a crutch; he is my backbone.

BB